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Bench Warmer
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The Tailgate by Ryan White


Favorite lines... so many to choose...


**It was, we believe, Nicolaus Copernicus who, in 1543's "De revolutionibus orbium coelestium," wrote, and we quote, "You on the East Coast, the solar system does not revolve around you."


**Portland and Seattle do indeed set their clocks to Pacific Standard Time. You're right about that. Los Angeles, it's worth noting, is in this time zone, too. This is why the folks back east know not of Kobe Bryant. It's too bad. He's really good.

But maybe you do get to see Kobe play. There are a lot of television cameras in Los Angeles. We don't have as many here, but we have them. Like our homes, they're powered by dozens of beavers running on little wheels.

When we need more electricity -- say a Sunday game's going national -- we hire hippies to rub fleece on flannel. That hasn't been needed in some time. The hippies need the work. Oden and Durant will be good for the local economies this way.

When the game's over, we canoe down the river to the sports bar while our top reporters tap out their stories in Morse Code. They say soon the railroad will get here. We can't wait.

**Not to rock your world, but not everyone's left breathless when the Yankees and Red Sox meet. Some of us couldn't care less about it. Roger Clemens throwing a few innings of minor league ball? Let us write that headline: "Old man pitches." :salut:

**Just because it happens in or to New York, Boston, or Philadelphia doesn't mean it's interesting. It just means it's well covered.

**You might remember that last year, the Trail Blazers had the best shot at the No. 1 pick and ended up No. 4. No one wanted to change all the rules. But Boston gets dinged and Jerry West speaks up on behalf of Memphis and now all of a sudden the draft lottery is the worst thing to happen to the NBA since Ron Artest went looking for the guy who threw the cup.


:D :D :D :D :D :D
 
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